The Sports Blogosphere…As Muppets. A Farewell And Whole-Hearted Thank You.

Posted by Dan Levy.

I loved doing our show for the last 550 odd episodes. Not every episode was great, but we think most of them were pretty darn good, and hopefully a little show called On the DL left some mark on the sports blog world.

The coolest thing about doing this show has certainly been the number of people I’ve had the opportunity to meet and talk with, from the show regulars to the once-in-a-lifetime guests, all done by barking into a $20 microphone plugged into a USB jack in my computer and having the foresight to press record. It’s been amazing.

For those who never listened to the show, or just caught an episode here or there when we had a big-name guest, I’ll let a message I just got from Jack Kogod explain what the show was:

MY NAME IS DAN LEVY AND I HAVE OPINIONS ON OTHERS I’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.

So, there you go. My name is Dan Levy. I have opinions on others I’d like to share with you. They’re mostly about Muppets.

THE MUPPET SPORTS BLOGOSPHERE

I’ve long said that Jim Henson was such a genius, he didn’t make Muppets look like people as much as people look like Muppets. Remember the girl from Hebrew School who looked just like Miss Piggy? What about your old web guy who looked like Don Music? The Muppets are genius and madness and joy and fun all rolled into one colorful community. Muppets are sports bloggers, in some crazy way.

I started out this project (with a TON of help from some of you) hoping to include a good smattering of bloggers. I thought 20, then 30, then 50 would be good, but somehow this list is even bigger than that. Some character affiliations are perfect, while some are admittedly a stretch. Certainly I left a few people out who deserve to be here and for that, I am sorry. Add your thoughts and additions in the comments.

Let’s get to it, already…

Will Leitch as Kermit the Frog

This wasn’t as easy a decision as you’d think, as there was someone else who really could have been the blog world’s Kermit the Frog. What it came down to was that Leitch personifies a sports blogger, even if he’s moved on to bigger and better things in his career.

Leitch had (has) the perfect amount of aw-shucks folksiness and bitingly-critical snark that makes him the perfect Kermit. Of course it doesn’t hurt that he built the most successful sports blog ever and is ostensibly, still, the face of our industry.

Plus, I bet he’s damn good with a banjo.

Drew Magary as Fozzie Bear

This was an absolute no-brainer. He’s big. He’s got curly brown hair and he spends every waking minute trying to make people laugh.

I’ll admit, Drew works a little more blue than Fozzie ever did, but if there was ever a blogger that most resembled a Muppet…well, Shanoff’s coming up. But still, this is a lock if there’s ever a lock.

A bear in his natural habitat…the internet. Wocka Wocka!

A.J. Daulerio as The Great Gonzo

Daulerio wasn’t easy, until I realized how perfect he is for Gonzo. This is from the Muppet Wikia on Gonzo:

He is an odd looking, unclassifiable alien creature with blue fur, bug eyes, and a long crooked nose. He takes pride in his uniqueness and enjoys everything that he does — no matter how painful or ill-advised it may be.

Take out the blue fur and it’s the perfect bio! Plus there’s the notion that everything about Daulerio’s reign at the helm of Deadspin is Gonzo Journalism for the digital age.

This also allows me to include the following:

Jenn Sterger as Camilla

This list writes itself, sometimes.

Jamie Mottram as Big Bird

It’s a crime against humanity that Jenn Sterger ened up on this list higher than Jamie Mottram, but if he’ll forgive the obvious opportunity for an “AJ’s chick” joke, I think Mottram will appreciate what follows. Jamie Mottram is responsible for more blogging jobs, and blogging careers, than everyone else on this list, combined. He was my other option for Kermit the Frog, but I felt that Jamie fit more with Big Bird; a gentle, positive presence that looked down on the rest of us. Big Bird is probably responsible for helping to shape the lives of more kids than anything that’s ever been on television. He’s that important.

What Kermit is for the Muppets, Big Bird is for the Sesame side of the Street. Plus, if you had to choose, Mottram seems far more wholesome than Leitch, so it stands to reason that he’d be the face of the more wholesome area of the Muppet universe.

Tas Melas and JE Skeets as Bert and Ernie

If there is a better tandem in all of sports media, I’d like to see it.

The combination of seriousness with sheer goofiness makes the two of them a perfect choice for Bert and Ernie. I almost feel bad choosing Tas for Bert as he’s far less dour than his Muppet counterpart. Bert did have his fair share of fun, though. And there is no better Ernie on the planet (or at least in the blog world) than Skeets. I do think that makes JD Rubber Duckie…making the magic happen…which if you think about that taking place in the bath, sounds kinda creepy all the sudden.

Dan Steinberg as Grover

It took a while for this to come to me, but once I realized that Steinberg is the perfect Grover, its impossible for me to imagine him any other way. Dan Steinber IS Grover. The round head. The penchant for helping people, albeit in awkward fashion.

The voice???? Hello there! The voice alone makes this an absolutely perfect fit. One more point about Steinberg while we’re here. Steinz is one of the few on this entire list that’s not a national blogger, but hasn’t Steinberg always felt like a national blogger? It’s amazing what kind of footprint a local guy at a newspaper has been able to create.

MJD as Cookie Monster

This was a hard one, but the more I thought about MJD, the more it made sense. Cookie Monster is revered as one of EVERYONE’s favorite Muppets. I don’t know one person who doesn’t like and respect Cookie Monster. Yet, in recent years, Cookie Monster has taken a little bit of a back seat in the Sesame Street storylines. Having said that, he’s certainly a top-five Sesame Street character of all time…and always will be.

Of the people who helped me on this, many agree that MJD’s “blog profile” isn’t as high as a few years ago, until you remember THE GUY WRITES THE FOOTBALL BLOG FOR YAHOO. He is traffic. So while his profile may not be as high, he’s still a top five guy…and probably always will be.

Free Darko as Pigs In Space

Something about this choice delights me, especially the fact that choosing the collective force of Free Darko as Pigs In Space means that I’m basically calling Bethlehem Shoals Miss Piggy. Not basically…I am. I am calling Shoals the Miss Piggy of the blogosphere. It works.

Much like half of what I read at Free Darko over the years, I can’t explain it. But it works.

Brooks as Rowlf The Dog

Did you know that Rowlf was actually famous before Kermit the Frog? Rowlf was basically the first nationally-recognized Muppet and has remained a very prominent member of the crew ever since. Plus, when I suggested this to people, all they could do was laugh at how “Brooks is a dog” and “find a pictures where Rowlf is surrounded by bitches.” The jokes write themselves, really.

Dan Shanoff as Guy Smiley

Do I really even need to explain this choice? If there was one person on this list and one Muppet you had to choose (other than maybe Drew for Fozzie) it was Shanoff as Guy Smiley. You might be able to convince me I was wrong on a few of these — certainly some still to come — but this is a lock.

This gets me thinking…what if we did an internet game show where Shanoff hosted and we could all be contestants? THAT’s what Quickish should have been! Can we still get Shanoff to wear a sport coat like this?

Spencer Hall as The Swedish Chef

I have to admit, I actually wanted Spencer to be Uncle Traveling Matt from Fraggle Rock, but I didn’t think enough people know that character and, let’s face it, Spencer means a little more to the blog world than a character most of you don’t know.

So why the Swedish Chef? Let’s count the ways… 1. Looks good in white. 2. Mustache. 3. Everyone likes him. 4. MUSTACHE. 5. At least 90% of the audience has no clue what he’s saying. Plus, naming Spencer as The Swedish Chef gives me an open forum to crush him for his Condiment Bracket. I mean, SERIOUSLY, Ranch Dressing as a FOUR seed? Criminally under-seeded. And, as the comments mentioned, if Ketchup is a one-seed and Mayo is a two-seed, where the hell is Thousand Island?

Interesting note on The Swedish Chef: he has both human and Muppet hands. In photos and non-cooking segments, he’s been seen with Muppet hands, but during cooking segments, human hands were used so the character can pick up implements…and fight off gun-toting lobsters.

Kevin Kaduk as Aloysius Snuffleupagus

Kaduk was not an easy person to assign, mostly because there are NO GOOD DUCKS in the Muppet world. Seriously, other than a few skits here and there, the Muppets are duckless.

But ‘Duk is more than a nickname, right? He’s a big, giant, deep-voiced, lovable fella with a big schnoz.

An interesting note on Snuffy. If you recall from the early days, people thought Snuffy was Big Bird’s imaginary friend. Per his Wikia:

Mr. Snuffleupagus became real to the entire cast for a few reasons. One was because the writers were running out of new ways to have Snuffy just barely miss meeting them. Another factor was increased concerns that the adults’ refusal to believe Big Bird’s claims of his friend’s existence would discourage children from sharing important things with their parents.

I honestly have no clue what that has to do with Kaduk, but for some reason, it has everything to do with sports blogs. Maybe we’re all a little Snuffy.

Chris Mottram as Oscar the Grouch

For the life of me, this one was impossible. First, when Jamie Mottram was going to be Kermit, I was going to make Chris Robin the Frog. Then I thought he’d hate that. So when Jamie became Big Bird, I was going to make Chris Elmo, but I thought he’d hate that. I finally realized, no matter who I pick, Chris is going to hate it. Why? Because he’s a grouch. He’s the internet’s grouch. Trust me, I know how to be grouchy, and Chris is as grouchy as they come.

Yet much like Oscar, everyone loves Chris. He’ll probably hate that I mentioned it, but I really don’t know anyone who doesn’t like Chris, even if people comment about how, to hammer it home, grouchy he is. To prove how grouchy he is, there’s a bet I think I’m willing to make with him. I will give him one thousand dollars (that you’ll all have to help pay off, by the way) if Chris gets in a trash can and sings this song…just like Oscar. With props. One. Thousand. Dollars. Hate on that.

Oh, and I did I mention Elmo…

Greg Wyshynski as Elmo

I think it was Pete Gaines who told me that Elmo needed to be “a rock star.” Elmo needs to be someone who transcends the regular blog world and someone who, like Big Bird and Kermit before him, became bigger than this entire community.

Wyshynski is, rather amazingly, the top hockey writer in America. He’s constantly doing radio and TV spots all across North America and the guy has his own daily radio show. He’s become bigger than life. Plus, he kinda looks like a Muppet.

Now, Wyshynski isn’t a ebullient as Elmo all the time, but if you’ve ever seen Elmo outside of Sesame Street, you’d know he’s sharp-witted and bitingly critical. Like Jim Henson, Caroll Spinney and others before him, Kevin Clash is a genius. It’s probably overstating Wyshynski’s ability just a tad if I call him a genius, but the guy has made himself into a star…and that ain’t easy, either.

Jason McIntyre as Rizzo The Rat

Remember that time Jason McIntyre called me a gnat? I do! It was in a series of emails explaining why he’d never be on the show even though he had previously agreed to do just that.Well, gnat, rat…potato, potahto. Since we’re leaving, it’s a good time to mend fences (or burn bridges, whichever fits).

As funny as it was to think of Mr. Big Lead as a rat, Rizzo is actually a really good choice for him. As little as he is, Rizzo has become a big part of the Muppet World, most notably as Gonzo’s buddy narrating the Muppet Christmas Carol. Since then, Rizzo has been a really prominent part of the Muppet clan, headlining every motion picture, right there with Kermit, Piggy, Fozze, Gonzo and the rest of the top stars.

Plus, I can totally imagine that Rizzo would be a great interviewer, asking people like ESPN EIC Rob King if he prefers the treadmill or elliptical. Tell me you can’t picture that.

Speaking of “Can You Picture That,” it’s time to talk about those who am, is, are and be they who as are known as the Electric Mayhem. (Note, if anyone wants to get me a going away present, I’ll take this in a large).

Josh Zerkle as Animal

Complete no-brainer. Animal’s appeal is his unpredictability and penchant for biting. Yet there was always a light-heartedness to Animal’s destruction. I’m not sure there’s a better way to describe Zerkle.

Matt Ufford as Floyd Pepper

This one was hard for me, as my original plan was to have all the members of KSK be members of Electric Mayhem. Of course, that meant Tunison would have been Janice (because they’re both blonde, of course) and he’d kill me for that. Plus, Drew is just too damn perfect as Fozzie Bear, so I took it in a different direction for the band.

That said, Ufford still made sense as Floyd, for two reasons. Sure, it’s Dr. Teeth’s band, but Floyd always felt like as much of a front-man and was always a vocal member of the band. Plus, this, from his Wikia, made Ufford a lock:

Floyd also has a certain influence on Animal, or at least as much as anyone can. In picture books such as The Case of the Missing Mother, or certain installments of the Muppet comic strip, Floyd is practically Animal’s keeper, pulling his chain and looking after him.

Handing the reigns of With Leather over to a guy is basically making you his keeper, isn’t it? Now if only Ufford would let his hair grow out a little.

Trey Kerby as Dr. Teeth

I did an informal poll of who the coolest blogger is. Cool is a relative term, but Ufford and Trey Kerby topped that list. That’s a big reason why they’re two of the coolest Muppets. Also, It’s like Kerby designed his facial hair after the good doctor. And the pointing? Well, here’s a tie-in from Dr. Teeth’s Wikia:
He has very long arms so additional puppeteers are required to guide them; this design enabled Henson to work the Teeth puppet while another performer acted as Teeth’s “hands” in order to play the keyboard.

Alana G as Janice

There are not a lot of female Muppets (more for Sesame Street, which we’ll get to in a bit), but one of the most prominent on the Muppet side has to be Janice. This is a pretty lock-solid selection here. Fer sure.

Oh, and this clip is so awesome.

Jack Kogod as Zoot

This is so perfect, as even the creators of Zoot called him a burnout who used to talk more in the past but gave up much of his speaking parts…basically echoing Unsilent’s tenure at KSK. Plus, there’s this:

It is likely that Zoot is Jewish. Hints at this possibility are in A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa, where Zoot wishes Kermit a happy Hanukkah when he and the rest of the Electric Mayhem arrive at the Christmas party, and in the extended DVD release, where Zoot lights a Menorah.

Don Povia as Scooter

Scooter is the Muppet behind the Muppet behind the Muppet. He was the road manager for Electric Mayhem and became the stage manager for the Muppet Show. What Don has done with Blogs with Balls is nothing short of amazing. He’s helped give bloggers a voice we didn’t have before, and by and large, he’s done it from behind the scenes.

I wonder if Scooter could get the Muppets a good liquor sponsor?

Mike Tunison as Crazy Harry

There are a lot of bloggers who would fit Crazy Harry. For a while, I was dead-pegged on giving him to Daulerio. But Tunison is a great fit, too.

I mean, look, Tunison is the guy who walked around town throwing a book in people’s faces. It stands to reason that he’d walk around town ending conversations by blowing something up. You can TOTALLY see Tunison doing something like this to Zerkle.

Flubby as Lew Zealand

I’ll admit, I know NOTHING about Flubby other than the fact that he writes at KSK and, per some of his cohorts, he doesn’t want us to know anything about him. So what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Make him Lew Zealand, that’s what.

A funnyman who call himself Flubby? He’s just asking to be linked to a character who flings fish at people.

Jay Busbee as The Two-Headed Monster

A guy who writes a golf blog AND a NASCAR blog? I’d say that’s being pulled in two opposite directions.

There may not be two more diametrically-opposed sports in this country. One is collared-shirts, khakis and Rolls Royce taste and the other is fire suits, restrictor plates and Mopar. And yes, I completely generalized two separate sports industries in one sentence. I do wonder — and maybe Busbee can tell us — what the cross-over is between his blogs. The guy has one Twitter feed for both, so it makes you think there are some gear heads who don’t mind golf and vice versa. Still, it’s an odd balance to maintain.

Mike Florio as Sam the Eagle

This is another lock. I’ve long said that what Mike Florio has done in the last half decade is amazing, and should be studied in journalism classes. The guy went from posting well-informed rumors on a site that had a Turd Watch to doing live, in-studio stand ups on NBC’s Sunday Night Football. It’s incredible.

But man alive is that guy…dry. (Checks with lawyer) Yes, dry. Dry is the world I shall use. Sam the Eagle is a slam dunk. As a PFT aside, I do wonder how “Taco Bill” and that guy on the old PFT video show…something Dunkleman…are doing. (Fun fact: when doing a Google search for “Taco Bill” do NOT click on a blogspot page with that name, as it is full of photos featuring men’s penises.)

Tom Ziller as Pepe The King Prawn

Here’s something I realized while working on this project: I don’t know a lot about many of these bloggers. I know their work, but I don’t really know some of these people as people and I feel kinda terrible defining them solely by their work.

In this case, I feel even worse with Ziller because for the life of me I couldn’t find a Muppet who has dedicated his life to making charts. I almost thought about making a chart to show how hard it is to find a Muppet who uses charts.

Why Pepe, then? Two reasons, really. First, he’s not a shrimp, he’s a KING Prawn. Get it? Get it? Ziller is a Kings guy. Yep, it’s a stretch. But the other thing is Ziller seems to be one of the names that keeps getting bigger and bigger in the blog world. If I had to pick one “big” name blogger who would be the next breakout guy beyond the blog world, Ziller would be on the short list. That’s Pepe. He didn’t even exist in the Jim Henson era, but he’s become a huge part of the new Muppets and is quite fantastic.

Henry Abbott as Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

I was going to make Will Carroll Bunsen because, let’s face it, they look exactly alike. But since I wasn’t including any of the Baseball Prospectus people and certainly wasn’t counting anyone at SI.com as a “blogger” in any traditional sense, I opted for a different bald man with a mad-scientist aura. Starting a blog network at ESPN — a real blog network, not whatever they did on the NFL page — had to be an exhaustingly daunting task, yet Abbott managed to mix a million ingredients together into something pretty darn successful.

True Hoop almost feels un-ESPN, at least from a blog perspective. Perceptions about ESPN have certainly changed in the last five years and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that networks like this exist…especially if we forget they pay every NBA team blogger less money, combined, per year than Stephen A. Smith makes per week on radio. Yeah, let’s try to forget that.

Chris Chase as Beaker

I really like Chris Chase, who writes the tennis blog, Olympic blog and contributes to the NFL blog at Yahoo. Oh, I’m the one who likes him?

Have you read the comments from some of Chase’s articles? It’s incredible how much he gets beaten up by the Yahoo commenters. Much like Beaker constantly getting beaten up by Bunsen’s experiments, it’s rather hilarious to see how many people dislike Chase. Someone told me last week that their dad sent them an email just to complain about one of his articles. Even dads beat on him and want him blown up.

(Note: I tried long and hard to come up with a correlated Bunsen and Beaker — I’m talking WEEKS — and it was too hard to figure out. So yes, I admit that in Chase’s version of Beaker, the “Bunsen” role is actually being played by the readers. It’s not a perfect science.)

Tommy Craggs as Telly Monster

For those who don’t know Telly Monster, he’s HUGE right now on Sesame Street. I’m telling you, he might not be in anyone’s top ten list of Sesame Street Muppets, but the guy is in every single sketch and steals the show. Telly, like Craggs, is the goods.

But it doesn’t stop there. Telly is CONSTANTLY freaking out about things and is the Muppet world’s biggest conspiracy theorist. If someone could teach Telly to write hit pieces on members of the media, Daulerio might be looking at the greatest hire of all time.

Barry Petchesky as Baby Bear

I do not know if Barry speaks with a lisp, but if he does, it makes this selection that much better. Deadspin takes a lot of heat, and from what I read, Barry has gotten the brunt of much of it. Yet the guy always seems to roll with the punches (I could be way off on this, but his public persona and interactions with me have always been very cordial).

This might sound derisive, but the one thing about Baby Bear is that he’s just kinda there. He’s a solid character, despite not having the appeal or cache as most of the other Muppets. Yet he always helps drive the storyline and never really feels like he’s in the way. Plus, he’s Telly’s best friend, so this feels like the perfect choice for Barry, who I assume, hugs Craggs whenever he can.

Rick Chandler as Herry Monster

Remember Rick Chandler, the guy who helped start Deadspin with Leitch and, late in his tenure there, seemed entirely too fascinated with high school girls sports? He now runs the general sports blog at NBC and while I’m sure the site does well with NBC’s firehose throwing traffic that way, it felt like Chandler kinda disappeared after he left Deadspin. (Maybe that’s unfair and he just fell off my radar, but hey, you write one of these and tell me I’m wrong.)

So why Herry? Well, he was constantly used in the scenes where a Muppet interacted with kids (not high school, but close enough) and he’s one of the odd-men-out Muppets that used to be a huge part of the show and now seems to make really random and rare appearances nowadays.

Maggie Hendricks as Zoe

My daughter’s name is Zoe, and that name was suggested based on this character, so this choice had to be perfect. Maggie is the perfect Zoe. What other blogger could pull off the balance of being a quirky Tom-boy who wears a pink tutu? Maggie seamlessly covers the most testosterone-infused sport in existence yet, I imagine, does so with a sense of grace nobody in her sport can match.

Plus…they both have orange hair…or fur…whatever.

Holly Anderson as Abby Cadabby

I don’t know how to write this without sounding weird, but Holly is entirely awesome. I think I’ve only actually met her once — over a three day period for Blogs with Balls invades Vegas, but I had the sense from that point on that she’s way more important in this blog world than I ever knew before that trip.

Abby has taken over Sesame Street as the lead female character. She has her own segment on every episode of the show now, giving her almost as much face time per show as Elmo. That’s how important the people behind the show see that character. Is Holly the smiley-faced future of sports blogging? That’d be so magical.

Sarah Spain as Rosita

This one was pretty easy for me. What female Muppet towers over her friends? And it doesn’t hurt that Rosita speaks…SPANISH! Again, this stuff writes itself. If only Rosita had a deep voice instead of the most annoying voice in Muppet history. Seriously folks, work on toning down the shrillness.

(Note: look at this photo of Zoe and compare it to the one above. I can’t figure out why they made her so much smaller and seemingly less developed. It upsets me a great deal, but it sure as heck makes Rosita look even bigger which, I suppose, helps my cause.)

Sarah Sprague as Prairie Dawn

There are two simple reasons for this decision. First, Prairie Dawn is tiny. Second, according to Cookie Monster, all of Prairie Dawn’s letters are extremely delicious. Did you know that Prairie Dawn is really the only female Muppet from the original days of the show, meaning she had to carry the load for decades before more female characters were developed. I don’t know how that pertains to The Starter Wife, if she still goes by that at all, and I certainly don’t intend to age her, but if you had to ask me for someone strong enough to handle that kind of responsibility, she’d be the first person I’d pick.

If you can imagine, there are still more than 30 people left. Time for a musical break.

Matt Sebek as Gobo Fraggle

Hey, we haven’t talked about any Fraggles yet. Let’s start with Matt Sebek, who I’ve anointed leader of all the Fraggles. Sebek, like Kogod, has been way better to me than I ever deserve. This site wouldn’t exist without him. Jesus, we actually care about each other’s families at this point.

So why Gobo? Well, there’s a genuine excitability in both of them and both are also interested charting new territory. Plus, more simply, they’re both small and have spikey hair.

Josh Bacott as Boober Fraggle

This probably isn’t fair to Bacott as Boober is a paranoid conspiracy theorist who thinks that doom will reign down upon all the Fraggles and Bacott seems far more optimistic than that. But if Sebek is going to be Gobo, it stands to reason that his longtime partner in blog comedy be along side him here. Bacott has always been Sebek’s foil, so while it’s not a great choice in personality, it’s perfect in juxtaposition.

Tim Ryan as Wembley Fraggle

This one, much like Gobo, has a lot to do with hair. Tim Ryan writes The Sports Hernia and while he’s always had a different site than Joe Sports Fan, I’ve still always thought of the two together for some reason. I figured why stop now?

Did you know: Wembley was named after the stadium in London, but his name was used in a cowardly tone. To “Wemble” is a lot like “tremble.” I don’t think Ryan is a “Wembler” but I’ve never seen him try to steal radishes out of a Gorg’s Garden, either.

Bleacher Report as The Gorgs/ King Kaufman as Pa Gorg

Wasn’t Pa Gorg the self-proclaimed King of the Universe? Well, King Kaufman is king of the Bleacher Report universe, constantly (and somewhat inadvertently) harshing on the mellow of the rest of the blogging world. Besides, how many B/R writers remind you of Junior Gorg? It has to be over 65%. I can picture him carelessly smacking away at a keyboard right now, trying to spell the word “Slideshow.”

Katie Baker as Red Fraggle

I’m going to be honest, I don’t know Katie Baker from Hobie Baker from a hole in the wall ,but I’m fairly certain they’ve all seen their fair share of naked hockey players, if you believe what you read.

What I’ve read about Baker is that the entire internet loves her and she damn sure better be opinionated and strong-willed if she’s able to go from working at Deadspin to working for Bill Simmons. Plus, her Twitter bio says she wears a side ponytail. That was Red Fraggle enough for me.

Amanda Rykoff and/or Steph Stradley as Mokey Fraggle

Total cop-out on my part but I had one of them here and almost switched to the other and couldn’t decide which to choose so I picked both. If you know either of them, you’ll understand that the hippie nature of how Mokey carries herself isn’t perfect for either Rykoff (now at ESPNW) or Stradley (who writes a Texans blog and wrote at Fanhouse forever). But there’s a mother-hen sensibility to both of them and that’s exactly how I’ve always seen Mokey.

Ty Duffy as Sprocket

Is it possible to get another dig in at The Big Lead? Eh, why not. Look, you know I don’t read TBL and thus don’t know much of Ty Duffy’s work unless a link is sent my way. And I’ve come to learn a lot about what some in the blog world think about Ty, but I have to assume a lot of that is based on association rather than what he’s actually done.

Why Sprocket? Well, there’s a joke here somewhere about being smarter than your owner, I’ll just have to try and find it.

Ariel Helwani as Uncle Traveling Matt

Again, I thought Spencer Hall was perfect for this, but since he’s taken, I decided to go with Ariel Helwani, MMA reporter formerly of Fanhouse and now of whatever the MMA blog is over at the new AOL. I asked him how far he’s traveled covering MMA and he said he thinks it’s five countries, 13 states and two provinces. Smack a safari hat on the man and call him uncle.

Kelly Dwyer as Marjory The Trash Heap

I almost made Holly the Trash Heap before I decided on Abby for her. Both, after all, are magical. I know how it looks, calling someone a heap of trash, but if you watched the Fraggles, you’d know that Marjory is a really important, powerful character.

First, the Trash Heap sees all. Second, the Trash Heap knows all. Tell me that’s not Kelly Dywer? Add in the fact that the Trash Heap has an almost awkward coolness to it and this is, pardon the hoops pun, a slam dunk.

The Mainstream Media as The Doozers

I owe this one to Wyshynski who came up with the idea. Think about what the Doozers do. They produce things solely for the purpose of Fraggle consumption. The Fraggles constantly take what Doozers create, crush it into little pieces to feed…and survive.

This is the list that never ends…

Eamonn Brennan as Beauregard

I hate this one. Eamonn Brennan of ESPN and formerly of Yahoo deserves more than the dimwitted janitor of the Muppet Show. So why did I do it at all?

Well, first, Brennan needs to be on this list (a lot of names coming up fell into the “needs to be on this list but doesn’t have a great Muppet fit”) and Beauregard was a likable character, but I picked him more because that guy did everything for the Muppets. He fixed stuff, he cleaned stuff, he helped Beaker with stuff, he even showed up as an “actor” in some sketches. Before landing at ESPN, not only was Brennan writing at Yahoo but, by my count at the time, he had his hand in like nine other sites. It was an incredible thing to watch.

Matt Hinton as Football Stenchman

Football WHATman? Football Stenchman is a character from Elmo in Grouchland, a feature-length movie that came out some time ago. This choice is criminally undervaluing yet another prominent blogger, but (and this is my fault) I know nothing about Matt Hinton other than “he writes about football a lot.” So, when you’ve got the option to make something up or the option to pick a character shaped like what you associate with a writer, you go with what you know.

Adam Jacobi as Marvin Suggs

Adam Jacobi is another guy I seemingly know nothing about, which is weird because I think our time at Sporting News even overlapped a little bit. So I should know more about Adam Jacobi than the fact that I believe he’s worked for every major blog site on the planet.

So, solely based on his choices for Twitter avatars (seriously, that’s how I came to this conclusion) this quote from Frank Oz made the decision for me.

“I’ve always felt Marvin lived in a scuzzy trailer park with his put-upon wife, and he kept the Muppaphones in a cage and would beat them regularly.”

It’s awful, I know. Change your Twitter photo, Jacobi. Please.

Ives Galarcep as Sweetums

Two reasons why this choice was pretty close to perfect for Ives, who’s on this list representing all soccer bloggers because I felt if I included anyone other than Ives I had to include a list of 20 other names and I was not prepared to do that. First, Sweetums looks like something to avoid, but is actually quite approachable. If that’s not the best way to describe soccer, I don’t know what is.

Second, Sweetums is one of the few full-body Muppets along with Big Bird, Snuffy and such, and I thought if I was going to include a soccer blogger, I sure as hell better pick a Muppet with visible, working feet. Sincere apologies to many of the other soccer bloggers who didn’t make this list.

Will Brinson as Forgetful Jones

I love Will Brinson. One of my great regrets on the show is that I never truly learned how great Brinson is until way later than I should have. So why would I give a guy I like so much a character like Forgetful Jones?

Brinson IS Forgetful Jones. There had to be at least three times in the last year where he forgot about an interview or forgot his microphone or forgot he had a story due and had to reschedule. Plus, conveniently enough, I don’t know anyone in the blog world who talks more like a cowboy. You ever hear that guy? It’s like his voice is submerged under ten gallons of twang.

Gregg Rosenthal as Sherlock Hemlock

Speaking of accents, I totally wish Gregg Rosenthal had a British accent because this would be rock solid if he did. Still, who better to be the resident investigator than one of the lead news breakers at PFT?

Honestly, if I had the energy, I’d make a Photoshop of Rosenthal in a houndstooth hat and cape.

Michael David Smith as The News Reader

If Rosenthal is the investigator then I guess that makes MDS the news reporter of the PFT crew. Of course, MDS also writes about MMA, but it’s hard to even consider him a blogger as much as a disseminator of news with constant mayhem and hilarity surrounding him.

If I have a mental picture of MDS, it’s exactly what you see here.

Clay Travis as Mr. Johnson

You know Mr. Johnson, right? He’s the guy who always complained that he had a fly in his soup. Well, isn’t Clay Travis the blogging equivalent of a guy who perpetually has a fly in his soup?

Wait, maybe Clay Travis is the fly and we’re the soup. But who is Mr. Johnson? Maybe Clay Travis is the soup, what he writes is the fly (no homo) and we are Mr. Johnson. Or perhaps…

I bet Mr. Johnson is a lawyer, too.

Robert Littal as Roosevelt Franklin

Is Bomani Jones a blogger? If Bomani Jones is considered a blogger then this is definitely going to him. Roosevelt Franklin is the coolest Muppet of all time. Roosevelt Franklin was so cool, people COMPLAINED and the powers-that-be at Sesame Street canned him. Roosevelt Franklin was a character that young black kids could learn from. It’s insane that he was gone so quickly.

So yes, if Bomani Jones is a blogger, he’s awesome enough to deserve this. But I don’t think Bomani Jones is a blogger, so I guess it goes to Robert Littal of Black Sports Online who, let’s face it, would probably have taken it without proper credit anyhow.

Michael Tillery as Hoots the Owl

Some of you may not know either of these names. Hoots is another one of the “cool” Muppets, always getting to play music with the the likes of Wynton Marsalis and John Legend.

Tillery and his counterparts at The Starting Five always kinda felt like the sports blogosphere’s answer to Jazz. Have you ever read an interview on that site? It had to take hours to transcribe and yet you get a sense that Tillery loved every minute of it; like the conversation was just a jam session to him. I always respected that, even if I screamed every time “JUST MAKE THIS A DAMN PODCAST IT’S TOO MUCH TO READ.”

Brian Cook as Benny Rabbit

I’m going to admit something I shouldn’t. There was a time where I really couldn’t stand Brian Cook of MGoBlog. Now I think he’s great, but when we were both working at Sporting News, he just seemed so damn angry all the time. Knowing what I know now, we were all probably that angry, but if Oscar the Grouch is taken, then Benny Rabbit is a great next choice for Cook. It’s not that he’s actually angry, or that he actually hates other people, it’s just that he finds us all incredibly annoying.

I have no clue if he’ll think this is bunny, er, funny. I hope he does.

Phil Van der Vossen as Doglion

Phil from Gunaxin is actually a lot like Doglion. First, his site is really more of a hybrid sports and men’s culture site, falling nicely in line with the fact that Doglion is a hybrid between, basically, a dog and a lion. Plus, if you’ve ever met Phil, you know that there’s just as good a chance he’ll say incredibly nice, thoughtful things about you as get in an argument in a press box with that almost leads to punches. He’s a complex fella.

Craig Calcaterra as Mumford the Magician

This one is certainly based solely on aesthetics. I mean, come on, is there a Muppet that Craig Calcaterra of NBC’s Hardball Talk resembles more closely? I’ll bet, if you ask him, he loves peanut butter sandwiches too.

Dave Brown as Murray Monster

Murray is a relatively new creation on Sesame Street. He’s in every episode as the de facto host of the show, directing traffic between segments as well as starring in two of his own, both based on interacting with people and asking questions for the purpose of informing and entertaining the audience. Murray is Sesame’s answer to Answer Man (on Yahoo’s Big League Stew). And the best part, he travels around with a small lamb named Ovejita, which could easily be played by Rob Iracane.

Enrico Campitelli Jr. as Junior

The fun of doing this project is finding the absolutely most obscure Muppets ever created and taking one thing about them — in this case, a name — and making it work. Enrico Campitelli Jr. is the force behind The 700 Level, one of the few local blogs that developed national recognition while still (and this is on purpose, I’m certain) feeling like it was run by a couple of smartass kids who really love Philly sports.

That’s a compliment.

DJ Gallo as Harvey Kneeslapper

I’m not sure Gallo is technically a blogger and if the Sports Pickle, or whatever he does for ESPN, is technically a blog, but there’s a Muppet named Harvey Kneeslapper and there’s a guy who writes a website littered with jokes.

It just worked.

Ryan Ballengee as The Martians

Why would Ryan Ballengee, golf writer for NBC’s Pro Golf Talk, be…the Martians? Well, because some golf writer had to be. Yes, old-time Sesame fans may recall that the Martians were often referred to as…

The Yips.

Who better than a golf blogger to have the yips?

Shane Bacon as Lefty the Salesman

I’m a sucker for lefties, what do you want from me? This does give me the opportunity to applaud another good friend, not just for his work in the golf blog community both at his own site and at Yahoo’s Devil Ball Golf, but also for his effort in helping me whenever I seemed to need it.

Bacon is a good guy to know and I hope he gets wherever he wants to go. Hey, lefties have to stick together.

Andrew Sharp as Robin the Frog

I’m saving some of the younger bloggers for late, as a tip of my cap to the new generation. Andrew Sharp has been tabbed by the powers that be at SB Nation as the next great big thing in the sports blog world. He’s next in line, as it were, making him the perfect choice for Robin the Frog.

I’m going to be honest, I never really knew what to think about Robin. He was great as Tiny Tim, but in other scenes, I could never tell if he was stealing the show or riding the coattails of everyone around him, leaning on his affiliation (with Kermit) and being cute to help his popularity grow. Yes, I think way too much about Muppet politics. But reading that sentence again, there’s certainly an apt parallel here.

Andy Hutchins as Curly Bear

Can I take credit for any part of Andy Hutchins’ career, because in ten years, I’d like to be able to do that. I was instrumental in pulling Hutchins away from The Big Lead to come work at Sporting News before he was hired by SB Nation when Sporting News fired everyone. Hutchins also helped out briefly at Deadspin and, honestly, if I had better sense, I would have made him Robin the Frog. Alas, Hutchins seems to always play second Andrew to Sharp for some inexplicable reason.

Why then, didn’t I right that situation by giving him a more prominent Muppet? Great question, actually. See, Curly Bear represents the future. Curly Bear — Baby Bear’s younger sibling — is a blank canvas. Curly is an untapped resource and as much as Hutchins has developed his own voice in the blog world the last two years, it still feels like there’s a few thousand miles for him to go before he ends up being who he’ll really be, which I think, is something great.

Kevin Pelton, Matt Moore, Rob Mahoney & Zach Harper as The Twiddlebugs

Could you imagine how cool it would be to have four great basketball minds hanging out in a window box…especially if that window box belonged to Skeets? How could that not be incredible?

Look, each of these guys really deserves his own Muppet, but it got to the point where I was running out of good Muppets to use and, frankly, couldn’t think of a right fit for some. That said, check this out from the Twiddlebugs Wikia:

These Twiddlebugs often find themselves facing difficult challenges, such as taking their car to the zoo or hanging a postage stamp on the wall. Presented with such daunting situations, it would an easy thing for them to simply give up, and indeed they express despair when their initial attempts at solving these problems meet with agonizing failure. However, the Twiddlebugs persevere in the face of adversity, and through collective brainstorming and cooperation, they always manage to overcome even the most seemingly insurmountable tribulation.

That kinda feels like the NBA blog community in a nutshell, doesn’t it? I have never seen a more communal and cooperative force on the internet. Contrary to what Mark Cuban thinks, the online basketball community has done more to grow that sport in the last five years than anything else online has done to grow anything (except maybe 4Chan). It’s incredible, and its a testament to those on this list and about 1000 others I didn’t mention.

Bonus: Jimmy Traina as Johnny Fiama

Look, Traina’s not exactly a blogger and SI’s Hot Clicks isn’t exactly a blog but it sure as hell drives traffic and I’m sure as hell going to include Jimmy in this list if it helps grease the old blogging wheels to get a link, if you know what I’m talking about.

You know what I’m talking about? DO YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT???

The SABR Stat Community as Count Von Count

Who is the leading voice of the SABR community? Is it Rob Neyer? Is it Baseball Prospectus or Fangraphs? Should I have given to the Count to someone like Aaron Schatz at Football Outsiders?

The point is, there are too many people to, ahem, count. It’s too difficult to assign one person to a character as important as the Count. So, why not make him everyone? He’d love to count how many options there are, that’s for sure.

Fire Joe Morgan as Statler and Waldorf

It’s ironic, in a way, to make Fire Joe Morgan Statler and Waldorf when they spent their entire existence ripping on the old-guard ways of sportswriting. The thing about it is, as important as their run was at sniffing out terrible sportswriting, the format easily became a parody of itself. Nobody, outside the guys at KSK, can come close to FJM’ing someone as well as the guys at FJM did it, yet so many sites constantly try and constantly fail. Even the annual FJM day at Deadspin is really poor representation of the group’s earlier work. It’s like the “Old Red Wine” to The Who’s “Tommy.”

So it just kinda made sense to make FJM Statler and Waldorf. “Those guys are still yelling and laughing at their own jokes up there?” Yep.

But that’s not fair. Those guys are freaking comedic geniuses. Talk about legitimizing the industry, the guy who wrote on The Office was going home and penning a baseball blog. A guy with his own sitcom is one of us. Holy crap.

So maybe, in a way, we’re all Statler and Waldorf, complaining for the sake of complaining, downplaying people’s brilliance in one breath as we expose ineptitude in the next, all for our own perverted amusement. Maybe FJM isn’t Statler and Waldorf. Maybe it’s the entire community. How meta to figure that out now.

Blog Readers and Commenters as…The Honkers

Here’s a tip: Your comments are usually senseless noise and in most cases, nobody outside of the other commenters can understand a word of your nonsense.

Thanks for reading. I am truly sorry if you should be on this list and I forgot you. I am truly grateful to have had the opportunity to work with many of you.

Posted on April 14, 2011 at 11:16AM

This Post tags: Blogs, Blogs with Balls, Media, Muppets

 

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1. Josh Zerkle

   
   04/14 2011

   This list is ridiculously perfect.

2. A guy

   
   04/14 2011

   And somewhere a single tear drops from Tannenwald’s face on to a Penn basketball program from 1985.

3. Kevin McGuire

   
   04/14 2011

   Incredible. Great work Dan! Love your choice for Football Stenchman.

4. Gunaxin Links

   
   04/14 2011

   The Sports Blogosphere…As Muppets…

   This article has been featured on Gunaxin Links…

5. J. Scott Fitzwater

   
   04/14 2011

   This is the most unique magnum opus I can remember.

6. Philip Van der Vossen

   
   04/14 2011

   It’s an honor just to be Muppetized, but even better to be pictured with Lesley Ann Warren.

7. Ty

   
   04/14 2011

   Awesome. Magary, Hall, and Florio are lights-out dead solid perfect home runs.

   Peace
   Ty

8. Wisconsin Rob

   
   04/14 2011

   This was just terrific.

   Well done Dan. It’ll be tough to top this when you come back.

9. Phil Catelinet

   
   04/14 2011

   Absolute brilliance. Now get some sleep, Dan.

10. Brinson

    
    04/14 2011

    Feel honored just to be included. Godspeed, ODLP.

11. Bassett

    
    04/14 2011

    [Golf clap]

    Well done, Dan … very well done …

12. alex

    
    04/14 2011

    thanks for all the great podcast. may you comeback soon

13. DocRostov

    
    04/14 2011

    HONK HONK! Honk. Honk honk HONK. Honk? Honk.

14. Dale Glebe

    
    04/14 2011

    As regards Busbee, there is very little cross over, when we the NASCAR fans go into the golf blog they tend to find us a bit distasteful.

15. Maggie Hendricks

    
    04/14 2011

    This list is so awesome. I’m honored to be included and have such nice things said about me. This list also reminds me how cool it is to be a part of this weird, random sports blogosphere, and how I never could have imagined that I would ever be here.

16. The Gentleman Masher

    
    04/14 2011

    You forget to mention that Rizzo, like Jason McIntyre…seems like he’d naturally be a Jets fan.

17. Christian Matthews

    
    04/14 2011

    Well done Mr. Levy

18. Andy Hutchins

    
    04/14 2011

    Go to sleep, Levy. And play with Zoe and Max for us.

19. Ken

    
    04/14 2011

    Tremendous list, Dan. Have fun with Zoe an Max. My best to you. Hats off.

20. On the DL Says Goodbye…Jim Henson Style

    
    04/14 2011

    [...] That all said. Dan went out with an absolute bang. To accompany the final show, Dan created one of the most epic posts ever.  EVER: The Sports Blogosphere…As Muppets. A Farewell And Whole-Hearted Thank You. [...]

21. DMtShooter

    
    04/14 2011

    And here I thought I had the only sports blog Muppet list.

    http://fivetooltool.blogspot.com/2011/04/top-10-muppets-to-call-in-your-soccer.html

    Crap.

22. michael tillery

    
    04/14 2011

    This was great and I gotta admit I was presently surprised to see my name in jazz. Like I tweeted, transcribing those monster interviews was something I had to do to learn about the field. I hate transcribing. I hate it but I knew if I am to become a truly great reporter (just one facet), I must study the art of the interview in every sense of its origin. Thank you Dan for including me in such a creative post. Never seen anything like it. This is great. Go get that star man. Go get it.

23. On The DL Turns Off The Mic

    
    04/14 2011

    [...] Dan Levy, proprietor of Press Coverage and the fantastic On The DL Podcast, frequent guest on House of Punte, and a man who has seen Shakey naked*, finally celebrated the end of an era. After 555 shows, On The DL is going on indefinite hiatus. Time to give back, to reward his readers and friends, and possibly tweak a few noses. Uniquely, Dan decided to filter his thoughts on the blogosphere into a unique, and uniquely funny, form; matching bloggers to the Muppet they most resemble. [...]

24. Press Coverage – The Sports Blogosphere…As Muppets. A Farewell And … | Article Directory

    
    04/14 2011

    [...] original here: Press Coverage – The Sports Blogosphere…As Muppets. A Farewell And … Recreation & Sportsbeen-the-number, coolest-thing, every-episode, left-some, little-show, [...]

25. Steve Bennett

    
    04/14 2011

    Awesome column to go out to, Dan. I was honored that you gave @sports-casters a shout out on the last show.

26. Eric

    
    04/14 2011

    Great list!

27. King Kaufman

    
    04/14 2011

    I’m honored to be included, but I confess I have no idea what the comment about me means.

28. DMV: Cliff Lee Blows Smoke About Jordan Zimmermann’s Heater | Mr. Irrelevant, a D.C. Sports Blog by the Brothers Mottram

    
    04/14 2011

    [...] In which Chris is Oscar the Grouch and I’m Big Bird. [On the DL Podcast] [...]

29. Bearcat

    
    04/14 2011

    A fantastic list… very funny and very well done.

    Only suggestion… some links for the twitter feeds of these guy or their blogs. I only know about two thirds of them.

30. Mark Geoffriau

    
    04/14 2011

    “Ken……Tremendous list…”

    Ken Tremendous?

    Mr. Schur?

31. Wide Left: A Chat with Kermit the Frog About the Muppets, Sports, & Being Green | DSPN News

    
    04/14 2011

    [...] My love of the Muppets runs deep, so this is an incredible thrill to have the chance to talk with Kermit just a few days before their blockbuster return to the big screen comes out. [...]

32. dallas daniel hessler junior

    
    04/14 2011

    i llov beaker

33. masood tanha

    
    04/14 2011

    i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Muppets

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